Parenthood...

Being a parent is a trip sometimes. If you'd asked me 9 years ago what I thought about having kids, I would have burst out into laughter. I never thought I was "parent material". Never wanted anything to do with it. Wouldn't even hold a newborn baby for fear that I might drop it or fuck it up somehow. When I found out I was going to be a father I was terrified. I think I spent 9 months in complete denial about it. Thinking maybe if I ignored it, it would go away. I guess I thought it was the end of life as I knew it. And it was, to some degree, I guess. But not in a bad way. The minute I held my firstborn I knew everything was going to be alright. All of a sudden I didn't matter anymore. The only thing that mattered was this amazing little being that looked at me with eyes exactly like my own. It was a feeling that I still can't put into words. And that's saying a lot... I usually have words for everything. Most people that know me can attest to this. Even when my second son was born, I thought I would be prepared for all the feelings that came with it. But it was almost exactly like the first time. Except I wasn't really like a deer in the headlights. I have become so much more because of these two little boys. More concerned with the world around me for sure. More aware of the pitfalls that await around every corner. I want them to have, and take advantage of, every opportunity out there. I want so much for them. And if I can do half the job my father did for me, that would be tremendous. I know they're going to screw up and make bad decisions. We all do. Some worse than others. But that is part of learning about this thing called life. Sometimes I can be a little tough on them. But I think structure is extremely important. The things they learn about now will shape them into the men they are going to be. I am always so proud when I see them stop to hold a door for someone, or answer an adult with "sir" and "ma'am". Or when their teachers pull me aside to tell me how hard they are working in school. It lets me know I'm doing some things right. It's amazing what they learn from example, not just words. A lot of you who know me well, also know that I have had to be a long distance father at times. Divorce can be a brutal son of a bitch. But having them here this last 6 months has been the best time of my life. They crack me up. They make every single day better. Nothing else in the world can do that. And I am a better person because of them. Still cynical and sarcastic as ever, but better for sure. I wish that everyone could experience a love like that. It would certainly make us all better for it...